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Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Working with the gifted

It is amazing what a promotion can do to someones head. It swells upon impact of the word "promotion". And this occurs if it is deserved or not. I have witnessed this where I work, and as I may just sound bitter and jealous, trust me I am not. I am many pay grades above them and have nothing to be jealous of. But whatever rainbows that they blow up their asses when they get promoted must stop. It doesn't do them any good to look like a pompous ass.

We all know you are great and God's gift to our company, you don't need to tell us this EVERY day. We don't need a blow by blow of how important you are and how many meetings and calls you were involved in's called work. Where ya not doing this before? Please take your inflated egos and go somewhere else where some fool might be impressed.

Saturday, May 19, 2012


Oh where oh where did you go? The theme song of Under Dog rings in my head but I am speaking of my motivation and energy this fine Saturday morning. I seem to have none. Is it that I am so stressed out Monday through Friday that by Saturday I am tapped out? Or is it that I am over 40 and just too old to do everything I want or should do? Or is it that I am just lazy? Well maybe a little of all of it. I do get sudden bursts of energy every 10 yrs or so, kinda like Haley's Comet I think. But I sure could use it more often. Maybe this is how a meth head is created. But I am too lazy to start a new habit.


So now I get to deal with the process of finding a new worker after my last one stabbed me in the back. Interviews are draining. Most would think, "Seriously? You are on the easy side." But not really. Being the interviewer vs. the interviewee is just as stressful. You worry about getting to know the real person and not just the fake candidate that may come through the door to land the job. Plus if this person ends up being a dummy or drunk it is all on you because you picked them. And trust me....I have had both.

These aren't the best of times in the job market. Two out of three I interviewed were out of permanent work. This does add stress to the interviewee thinking of the family of the candidate or at least a starving cat in an apartment. But I can't let that influence me....can I?

Some of the dumbest answers to my questions consist of "No, I don't have any weaknesses." LIAR! Everyone has weaknesses. Apparently that candidate has a weakness for telling the truth.  NEXT!

50 Shades of a catfight

Okay, I bought into it and I am enjoying it. The "50 Shades of Grey" trilogy came at a good time when women are getting overwhelmed with life. We have to do it all and look good doing it. And I know it isn't great literature, and I began reading them knowing that. Anyone that expects a great work of art is a fool. But I do take offense to people saying that this series is just for frustrated housewives in bad marriages.

Believe it or not some believe that. Not sure why a book about bondage and a unique relationship would appeal to women in trouble marriages because I just find that silly. I will say I think it goes to a place where few have gone. And yes it pushed the envelope and introduces subjects that people typically shy away from. It is a work of fiction, fantasy. Look at it for what it is. So jump off the soap box you divorced bitter women and let us suburban workhorses have our fun.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Forty and Fat

So I think I have the idea for the newest craze. Is it possible to remove part of your intestines to decrease the size of your gut? Surely this bulge I have is my intestines that have grown in size since I hit 40 and it's not due at all to the bag of Funyuns and Munchos that I ate for dinner. Because I know those have got to be on the Weight Watchers approved list, right? RIGHT?'s my PMS talking now, my apologies. Or it might be the after dinner shot of Jager, that is also calorie free, right? RIGHT? Ugh, I see that you are not going to agree with me, so I will just give up trying to fix stupid at this point.

Review time's that time of year.

The time when my boss gives me his opinion of me. And for some odd reason it never matches my opinion of my performance at work. Not sure why he doesn't see the rock star I see in the mirror in the morning every day, but he doesn't. Think he actually enjoys the battle in some sick way. But this year I have decided to be different. This is after I learned how awful it is to have an employee argue during a review, even with an awesome one. I gave an employee a great review, but because I didn't tell him he walked on water, he wanted to argue and try to convince me to change his rating. So I realized that people do not understand that a review is the opinion of another about you. It is very subjective. There is no way as long as humans are completing them that they would ever be unbiased. So, here's to me keeping my big mouth shut and smiling and nodding through my review. Pray for me people....this will NOT be an easy task for me!

Stiff in the morning

So while I am stiff and a little sore in the a.m. due to age, so is my hubby but not for the same reason. He is stiff and looking for love .... in all the wrong places, which makes him sore. Why is it that guys think morning sex is ever a good idea? First of all, morning breath is a great reason to NOT do the bump and grind with the sun up. Need I say more? Okay...stinky pits...greasy faces and hair are some others. Crusty eyes are not very attractive either, at least not to me. Or the fact that you have to remove your mouth gear prior to speaking or kissing and it is all slimy after residing in your mouth for many hours. And who wants to do the nasty with daylight streaming through the windows and the fricking birds singing?

It just seems unnatural at that time of day. I prefer it in the dark of the night where my hubby cannot see all the extra pounds I may have accumulated during the winter.
Maybe my distaste dates back to an old job where a co-worker was late for work one day. She told our supervisor she had to perform her "wifely duty" before coming to work. Her hair was still in rollers. Think that was my first turn off to morning sex. She was a good wife. She's probably still married.

Sunday, March 25, 2012


Just another Sunday at Walmart. Jazzies on parade and all the dysfunction I can handle. Heard an argument in the shampoo aisle of an elderly couple. Who knew shampoo evoked such emotion out of folks? But surprisingly it was almost painless until I went to the checkout line. Then I saw my life stop dead in its tracks. The lady two customers ahead was having difficulty with her transaction. UGH...I knew it was too good to be true, blazing through the aisles almost stress free and finding everything on my list.

All I kept hearing is "I'm sorry guys". As I look at who was stuffed in between me and the pain in the ass customer I realize who the "guys" were. At first I thought they were guys...but it was too "females" who looked like they just got off the softball field, seriously. They were as butch as butch can be and had the softball outfits on to prove it along with the sweat...not perspiration. I tried not stare, but I do wonder about that lifestyle. It is apparent, at least to me, the ones that are born that way and these two were meant for each other.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Reality vs. Fantasy

Watching "The Bachelor" and realizing the HUGE gap between reality and fantasy. I watch Ben wine and dine Courtney on the top of a mountain (gag) as I realize my husband let my kids eat raw chicken for dinner while I was at work (it was cooked half way and he never checked it). Can't wait for the puking to start....I figure that will hit around midnight.

I see Ben ski down slopes with Lindzi as I see not skid marks in the toilet but chunks on the back of the seat. And my hubby doesn't even try to deny ownership. He grins as if he is proud he hasn't learned how to use the potty properly.

Okay....after eating lots of veggies for dinner I have a green fog emanating from my ass. And the couch is absorbing it so every time I sit back down it escapes once again. So...guess we are made for each other. Guess true love is knowing that we are human, not a t.v. show,  and accepting that...and pooping and farting is part of it...not wine and a picnic basket on the top of a mountain or skiing down one.

Anyone have any air freshener? How about toilet bowl cleaner? A trash can for the puke that will be arriving at midnight?

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Social disorder

So guess it took me quite a few years to realize this (and after family members told me), but I have a social disorder. I hate people. Don't even know what else to add except I didn't realize this was abnormal. I didn't realize that my personality was one that wasn't pleasant either. I always thought I got along with everyone really well. I tend to be the one to talk first, initiate conversations, yet I have a disorder? Just because I hate people doesn't mean I don't know how to be polite. As I pass people in hallways I always greet them with a "Hey, how ya doing?" or a "Hi"....and many times get nothing in response. Sometimes I get a glare as if I said their mother wore Army boots. And I am the one with the problem? Well I will continue on with my "disorder" and enjoy the time I get to spend with me, myself and I. The rest of you can go screw yourselves.

Dedication to faking it

Traffic was awesome this morning! I had the entire highway to myself, except for some asshole that likes to drive in the fast lane and drive not-so-fast. I tried to ignore him but he hovered in my blind spot just to piss me off, and I know this for a fact.

As I arrive to work I realize why the traffic was so's fucking Saturday and I am the only loser that goes to work at 7:00 a.m. on a Saturday. Man my life sucks.

So what is one to do but crank the metal and dive into day old donuts the auditors left on Friday? Sounds like a plan. Then the door clicks open. OMFG...really? Can I not have a one day that I don't have to deal with anyone? Can I have one day that I don't have to fake it and be happy and nice? I wanted to get in crank crap out and enjoy some solitude. So I suck it up....and fake it and hope they leave soon. Joy comes as they depart but the joy is quickly diminished as they promise being the devoted dedicated saint of an employee to return tomorrow on fricking Sunday! Seriously??? So now I can't come in then either. UGH! Can I not have my quiet happy place? Am I in manager hell where I never get peace and quiet?

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Tues night

So work sucked again as usual. But at least I did get my fat ass on my treadmill afterwards while watching "Bad Teacher", which by the way is a pretty funny movie.
After thirty minutes of that crap I figured since I hadn't eaten dinner I would polish of the wonderful Parmesan popcorn that my hubby made me the night before. Sounds terrible and it probably is, but I find it so delicious on the second day or so, as if it marinates or something. The melted butter is cold and gripping the Parmesan in a death grip as it goes to its almost final resting spot in my mouth. And after the movie was over it was time for another indulgence of mine...The Real Housewives of Orange County.

There, I said it, and I am not ashamed. What could be more fun? Following around the most superficial and vicious animals on our planet? It's fucking awesome! And I must admit I look forward to it every week. No matter how bad my work day is I know I can escape in the insanity of Vicki, Tamra, Gretchen and Alexis. I would say I watch it for the fashion, but they dress like whores so I hope that isn't true even though my husband would hope it was! But guess I really watch it because it truly is a study of human (or sub-human) behavior. And it really isn't very far at all from how working in an office full of women is like....I have the cat scratch scars to prove it!

So it will be off to bed for me with a heating pad on my intestines to try to apologize to them with some sort of warm hug and hope the gaseous fumes get captured by the Better Marriage Blanket.

Suck Day

Just another day....scratch was a day from Hell. Nothing went as planned and what was planned fell apart.

Work sucked and then the school nurse called. That is never a good thing. My kid threw up. Not the words I want to hear just after heating my leftovers up for lunch.

I love my child, but I hate throw up. It just isn't my thing. That's why my husband and I make a great team. I don't have issues with the rear end where he doesn't mind puke. I witnessed him catch vomit in his bare hands before in McDonald's as our kid was choking on her lunch. He then walked over to the trash receptacle and dispensed of the chunky gruel. It took everything I had to not blow chunks.

So turns out my kid never got sick again today, thank goodness. But she is barred from school as if she is a leper. The 24 hour rule is a good one, but can be extreme. The rights of a parent are lost due to so many stupid ones. You know them, their kid has a raging fever, so they dope the kid up on Tylenol and then push them out the door to the bus stop. So then the sensible parents get punished for all the retarded ones. The school nurse even sent home a note stating she was not to return to school for 24 hours with a sad face. Really? This coming from a middle school nurse? Felt somewhat juvenile to me, but I am an old lady. And it was as if I needed an instruction booklet with my kid. Wait, what a great idea! Let me pass some out to the stupid parents. But of course they would never read it.

Just say no!

If you have children in school let me warn you now. You will be requested/required to give more than you ever thought possible. It's not enough to help with homework, feed and clothe them but you must also assist with room parties and any extra curricular activities. Hope you are willing.

I assembled 120 sandwiches for the cast of the middle school musical. My shoulders still hurt. Funny thing is that after the kids gobbled them up like a bunch of starving piranhas the drama teacher told them to that the moms....note that she said mom"s" as in plural and I was solo. UGH! Recognition is worthless if it isn't heartfelt. The fact that she didn't give me 100% of the credit hurt, because I sure wasn't standing there with a turd in my pocket and it was as if she was clueless to my solo effort. Is this how she treats her students?

The next day an email went out from this fabulous drama teacher requesting more help from the parents. Guess what? I am all tapped out and busy! Good luck with that!

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Sleep is overrated

Please tell me sleep is overrated. Please....I beg you!

I just want to hear it because it seems as if I got none last night...sleep that is...or anything else for that matter for the dirty minds out there. We went to dinner and I had a margarita and the sleepies hit me upon arriving back home. I burrowed in my bed, turned on the electric blanket and next thing I know, I am drooling. Well ya would think that would be the end to an alright day. But my daughter was at a high school tournament and wouldn't return home till around midnight. What sort of loving mother can sleep when her daughter is away?  And now that she is driving I should be worried about her safe return. I have a lot of confidence in her skills and decision making. God spoiled me with my kids and gave two great ones. But, there are all the other fools on the road I should freak out about. But why? So I won't sleep? Does that make any sense? Well once the tequila wore off I was not sleeping well. The eldest arrived home in one piece (thank you Lord!) and I laid in bed realizing I would need to get up at the crack of dawn to iron her clothes. You see, as beautiful, smart and responsible as my eldest is, clothing isn't her strong point. She doesn't see the wrinkles that I do. She doesn't stress over some lint. So as soon as 6:00 a.m. rolls around I knew I would need to drag my butt out of bed to primp her. But hours before that I get to deal with a cat and dog that like to fight on top of my bed in the dark of the night.

Not much you can do to stop a battle of canine vs. feline. They generally get along. But they usually wait until 2:00 a.m. or so to not.

That seems to be the perfect time for them to fight on top of my bed, at least in their eyes. So my attempt to lay horizontal for six or eight hours at a stretch is a ridiculous and preposterous dream of mine. Why do I expect so much? Why am I so greedy? Why would I think that sleep would do me any good in resting from that day's events and preparing for the next? Because we all know sleep is overrated. Right?


Friday, February 24, 2012

Jenny Lawson is my hero

Jenny, I know what love is and I love you (stole the first half of the sentence from Forrest Gump, hope you don't mind). And I don't love you in a gay way let's get that straight, cuz you and I are both that, straight. Anyway, I was introduced to your blog,, by a friend (okay so I have one or a few) and she just knew I would love you, and she was right! Boy, does she know me or what? You, like me, say what everyone thinks but are just too scared to say. Pussies. You have more balls and bigger ones than most men I know. You are brave, brash, brazen and beautiful. You have inspired me to blog, of course I am no where near your calibar and never will be. But I look to you for inspiration and encouragement. You go girl!

Teenage daughters part deux

Okay, so it isn't always frustrating raising daughters. There are many highlights and moments that take your breath away. But sometimes you just have look for them harder. Gone might be the days of a young toddler bringing you a beautiful bouquet of weeds, but instead you might get the joy of receiving a Valentine's Day card that states they would like to put your face in the freezer after you die because they love it so much See? Now that gives you a warm fuzzy right? It sure did for me. That card is a keeper! And so are my kids (for many more reasons than that - tax deductable for one!).

P.S. Credit for the card goes to The Oatmeal of course, see, it is a hoot! But you probably need to have a sick sense of humor like have been warned.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Pinterest passion

I never thought of myself as having an addictive personality. I don't smoke. I don't drink (much). And I don't have any other habits that could be construed as addictive or habitual...until now. I was clean and sober before I met Pinterest.

And now....I am so passionately addicted to Pinterest it scares me. In case you have been living under a rock or are of the male persuasion, Pinterest is a website where you can create boards to store your favorite things such as recipes you will never make, clothes you can't afford and homes that you will never ever own ( It's fabulous! And yet depressing. It feeds into all our fantasies of ourselves and our not-so-glamorous lives. And it appears to be run and used primarily by females, at least the majority of pinners have a vagina. I base this assumption on the content of Pinterest. It contains recipes, clothing, wedding dresses, jewelry, decorating tips, crafts and many other typically female interest catagories. The only skin on the site is that of fit and buff females used to inspire others to work out and eat right. There are very few cars and no porn that I have seen yet. So yes, I am being sexist by saying it must be a girls only club and I like it that way. It is so nice to have a site where us girls rule! It is a place for us to dream and share our dreams without a spouse saying "You know we can't afford that" or "Are you kidding? You could never wear that!" It is a place for us to dream about having money and a size 6 body.
So I can't stop. I have succumbed to the evil of addiction.....lock me up.....just make sure I have my laptop and internet please.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Whitney Houston

So....we have "lost" another talented person in this world. Wait...we did not lose her...she was lost and made some very bad decisions which ended her life. I am saddened that such a beautiful voice is gone. I am also saddened that  she is getting glamorized as if she were a saint. Why do we create a back story for the dead that just isn't there? Are we so afraid of death ourselves that we don't want to speak ill of the deceased? Are we just wanting to make sure others speak well of us after we are cold and stiff? I am not sure. But I do know that I do not find it sensible to elevate people to a pedestal that they may not be deserving of or even wanted for themselves. 

Was Whitney friendless herself and so lonely she turned to drugs for comfort? Fame is a cruel and dangerous gift. The music world lost Whitney years ago once she discovered her new friend in drugs. And it was a friend that did not let her go. Oh how I wish she would have sent that friend to the curb.


You ever run into someone that you were close to once but aren't anymore. It is awkward. Do you give them a hug? A kiss? A pat? A punch in the arm? What is appropriate when you aren't really connected any longer. I once thought that there were those people that even after time away you could pick up where you left off. But that doesn't always happen with everyone and you end up with that awkward moment.
So why is it we don't just say "Hey, I get that we aren't close friends anymore and it is okay." We don't say that because we live in a world where people value friendships too much. No one wants to admit we lost one. It's like being unfriended on Facebook and very damaging to ones image. The concept of friends gets shoved down out throats from the sitcoms we watch to the even the stores we shop at. We are told we need friends....and lots of them. Facebook has turned the number of friends you have into a social grade card of sorts and created competition among people. But we all know the majority of our FB friends aren't anyone that would be there for us. Half of them probably don't even know where we live or work now and rely on our FB postings for their information (as if that is factual).

Funny how self reliance, something once treasured many years ago, is not respected and these days we are trained to being dependent saps that can't survive without others.

Teenage daughters

Well I don't get it. I AM that dumb. I just don't understand why I am so annoying to my teenage daughter. Okay, I must realize this as I was a teenager once. But was I this rude to my parents? I suppose I might have been. But losing my mother as a teenager didn't give me the opportunity to see how our relationship would change and grow as I grew out of the terrible teenage years. I do wonder what my relationship would be like with my mother now that I am an adult. Would we be friends? Would she forgive me for being mean and nasty and selfish? I do regret not being nicer knowing now that she would not be around forever. And even though she had a terminal illness and we knew the end was near, we acted as if it wasn't and carried on as usual.

Guess this is why I get so frustrated with trying to communicate with my teenager daughter. I never got the chance to learn how it will all turn out after the teenage years pass. Maybe it feels to me it may never end and that  I won't ever have the joy of a great friendship with my daughter. That worries me a lot.

I tend to disappoint her in countless ways daily. I am so stupid and get dumber every day. UGH! is me stomping away with arms crossed to my room as I roll my eyes and grit my teeth. And I just have no clue where she gets her attitude from! LOL

Primetime friends

When human friends let us down there are always our primetime friends that we can count on. Is this sad or a sign of the times? We can find comfort in them showing up in a predictable manor, that is as long as there isn't an award show or State of the Union preempting them (hate that!).
We feel as if we know the characters on the screen. Sitcom writers have the skill of making them relate to our own lives. We all share common threads but always like to feel we are special (even though we might not be).
But we can know that our primetime friends will not judge us, ridicule us, hate us or ignore us. There are many perks with fake friends - and I don't mean the people we have to work with daily.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Race season begins

Another February and another NASCAR season begins. Every year I tell myself I will be the good wife by  participating, getting interested and educated to share this with my husband. I will pick a favorite driver (based on looks or paint scheme on car of course) so I can enjoy the sport too. But in reality I sit in the office and blog as he lounges in front of the t.v. enjoying his "me time". Why would I want to bust up his party of one? He sounds like he is having fun alone. Would he really want me to crash that (pun intended)? I remember one race last year I sat by his side for 2+ hours watching the cars go around and around. Even he said it was exhausting. So I wonder if this will ever be something I can share with him or will it be something that we don't have to share. Do couples really have to enjoy all hobbies together? It's not like he takes part in my hobbies. Wait...what are my hobbies? Crap, I must get some hobbies.

Sunday routine - Jazzys on Parade

Well I hate to think I do anything routinely. To me, that makes me feel so old and boring. But I suppose routines are good. I routinely eat, sleep, shower and go to work. Those are all good routines I guess. But I never wanted to be that mom that makes meatloaf on Mondays and tacos on Tuesdays. I like making and trying new things all the time. I wonder sometimes if I have ADD, but then realize I am too lazy to have that.

For two Sunday mornings in a row I have found myself at Walmart doing the weekly shopping (because organized religion has fallen out of my routine, I will address that issue in another post). And boy, if you want a pick-me-upper, I suppose that is the place to get it. I am NOT a swimwear model, but do feel like one after wondering the aisles of Wally World. And I feel most out of place using my legs as my choice of transport as it seems more than not choose to drive around in the motorized carts. I would hate it if someone who actually NEEDED one showed up, because all the overweight and lazy people are riding around in them. Sure, I am certain all of them are disabled and need them right? But they sure can find their way to the freezer for ice cream at home. Sorry if that is offensive, I just feel deeply about personal responsibility in all areas - including your health, granted there are a FEW that actually have thyroid or other glandular issues, but not all as they would want you to think. Get out of the Jazzy and walk to the Doritos. Walmart has now moved them to the back of the store to help you with your step count today! Thank you Walmart!

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Transition from old friends to new unexpected ones

I'm at that time in my life where I don't have any close friends. Of course I consider my husband my best friend but I am talking about girl friends. The ones I thought were close are very distant now. And our relationships began out of convenience. But isn't that how a lot of relationships begin? You meet in a common place like at school, work, daycare, your kids school, or the bus stop. But once those common places change, kids grow, you get a new job, the connection gets tested. I guess it reminds me that the older we get the less friends we need, especially ones that aren't truly there for you for you but there because it was convenient.

Don't get me wrong. I was a friend of convenience too. As time passes, I learn more about myself. And I realize that I am a lazy friend. I am not one to chase after a friendship. I enjoy solitude and sharing the company of my immediate family. I am not one to seek out parties, big events or things involving a large number of participants. I must have gotten my individuality and liking of being alone from my father. He became a pro over the years, and good thing since his wife passed leaving him to deal with his own loneliness for many years.

So, now I think I realize why I have become so excited about has become my new friend that I can spend and waste time with. And when my kids give me crap about spending a lot of time on Pinterest I get my panties in a twist....because it is as if they are coming between me and my new only friend.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Post # two! Getting the hang of it....I think...

Well...sleeping in my kids bed now. Hubby came to bed, proceeded to snore as usual and I find myself in my kids empty bed (she is at a sleepover so lucky me). And what else is there to do but blog? Can't sleep because I am hungry, but too lazy to get up and get something to eat. It's kind of like the battle I go through around four in the morning. I have to pee, but wonder if getting up will wake me up too much to continue a good nights sleep. Instead I opt to lay there and suffer with a full bladder for the next hour or so. It seems I punish myself through out my days and nights and for no good reason.

First post! All alone.....

It seems I spent my Friday alone and I liked it...for the most part. And I wasn't totally alone in the house, but secluded in the bedroom as if I was an animal that misbehaved. We all need time away from other humans, especially when we are forced to be with them to earn our keep on a daily basis. Socialization is way over rated. Nine plus hours of being trapped in an office with people I didn't pick can get overwhelming. By Friday I am bonkers. Felt like a good cry on the way home, but was too exhausted. I didn't even have energy to eat dinner, or it was the fact that the onion rings and single from Winsteads was still clogging my plumbing...who knows? Now I lay in bed and my stomach talks back at me. "Why didn't you feed me dinner? I was so nice to after you assaulted me with that so called lunch!" My stomach and I have issues. It has a mind of its own and we don't always agree. And he likes to get mouthy when I need him to be quiet. Nothing more embarrassing than a mouthy digestive system in an all too quiet office setting. Funny thing is that I get embarrassed even if no one else is around. How does that make sense? Then I feel the need to apologize to the no ones in the room for my rude organs. What is wrong with me? And I wonder why I am alone on a Friday night....