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Sunday, March 25, 2012

Walmart

Just another Sunday at Walmart. Jazzies on parade and all the dysfunction I can handle. Heard an argument in the shampoo aisle of an elderly couple. Who knew shampoo evoked such emotion out of folks? But surprisingly it was almost painless until I went to the checkout line. Then I saw my life stop dead in its tracks. The lady two customers ahead was having difficulty with her transaction. UGH...I knew it was too good to be true, blazing through the aisles almost stress free and finding everything on my list.

All I kept hearing is "I'm sorry guys". As I look at who was stuffed in between me and the pain in the ass customer I realize who the "guys" were. At first I thought they were guys...but it was too "females" who looked like they just got off the softball field, seriously. They were as butch as butch can be and had the softball outfits on to prove it along with the sweat...not perspiration. I tried not stare, but I do wonder about that lifestyle. It is apparent, at least to me, the ones that are born that way and these two were meant for each other.




Monday, March 12, 2012

Reality vs. Fantasy

Watching "The Bachelor" and realizing the HUGE gap between reality and fantasy. I watch Ben wine and dine Courtney on the top of a mountain (gag) as I realize my husband let my kids eat raw chicken for dinner while I was at work (it was cooked half way and he never checked it). Can't wait for the puking to start....I figure that will hit around midnight.

I see Ben ski down slopes with Lindzi as I see not skid marks in the toilet but chunks on the back of the seat. And my hubby doesn't even try to deny ownership. He grins as if he is proud he hasn't learned how to use the potty properly.

Okay....after eating lots of veggies for dinner I have a green fog emanating from my ass. And the couch is absorbing it so every time I sit back down it escapes once again. So...guess we are made for each other. Guess true love is knowing that we are human, not a t.v. show,  and accepting that...and pooping and farting is part of it...not wine and a picnic basket on the top of a mountain or skiing down one.

Anyone have any air freshener? How about toilet bowl cleaner? A trash can for the puke that will be arriving at midnight?


Sunday, March 11, 2012

Social disorder

So guess it took me quite a few years to realize this (and after family members told me), but I have a social disorder. I hate people. Don't even know what else to add except I didn't realize this was abnormal. I didn't realize that my personality was one that wasn't pleasant either. I always thought I got along with everyone really well. I tend to be the one to talk first, initiate conversations, yet I have a disorder? Just because I hate people doesn't mean I don't know how to be polite. As I pass people in hallways I always greet them with a "Hey, how ya doing?" or a "Hi"....and many times get nothing in response. Sometimes I get a glare as if I said their mother wore Army boots. And I am the one with the problem? Well I will continue on with my "disorder" and enjoy the time I get to spend with me, myself and I. The rest of you can go screw yourselves.

Dedication to faking it

Traffic was awesome this morning! I had the entire highway to myself, except for some asshole that likes to drive in the fast lane and drive not-so-fast. I tried to ignore him but he hovered in my blind spot just to piss me off, and I know this for a fact.

As I arrive to work I realize why the traffic was so good....it's fucking Saturday and I am the only loser that goes to work at 7:00 a.m. on a Saturday. Man my life sucks.

So what is one to do but crank the metal and dive into day old donuts the auditors left on Friday? Sounds like a plan. Then the door clicks open. OMFG...really? Can I not have a one day that I don't have to deal with anyone? Can I have one day that I don't have to fake it and be happy and nice? I wanted to get in crank crap out and enjoy some solitude. So I suck it up....and fake it and hope they leave soon. Joy comes as they depart but the joy is quickly diminished as they promise being the devoted dedicated saint of an employee to return tomorrow on fricking Sunday! Seriously??? So now I can't come in then either. UGH! Can I not have my quiet happy place? Am I in manager hell where I never get peace and quiet?


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Tues night

So work sucked again as usual. But at least I did get my fat ass on my treadmill afterwards while watching "Bad Teacher", which by the way is a pretty funny movie.
After thirty minutes of that crap I figured since I hadn't eaten dinner I would polish of the wonderful Parmesan popcorn that my hubby made me the night before. Sounds terrible and it probably is, but I find it so delicious on the second day or so, as if it marinates or something. The melted butter is cold and gripping the Parmesan in a death grip as it goes to its almost final resting spot in my mouth. And after the movie was over it was time for another indulgence of mine...The Real Housewives of Orange County.

There, I said it, and I am not ashamed. What could be more fun? Following around the most superficial and vicious animals on our planet? It's fucking awesome! And I must admit I look forward to it every week. No matter how bad my work day is I know I can escape in the insanity of Vicki, Tamra, Gretchen and Alexis. I would say I watch it for the fashion, but they dress like whores so I hope that isn't true even though my husband would hope it was! But guess I really watch it because it truly is a study of human (or sub-human) behavior. And it really isn't very far at all from how working in an office full of women is like....I have the cat scratch scars to prove it!

So it will be off to bed for me with a heating pad on my intestines to try to apologize to them with some sort of warm hug and hope the gaseous fumes get captured by the Better Marriage Blanket.



Suck Day

Just another day....scratch that....today was a day from Hell. Nothing went as planned and what was planned fell apart.

Work sucked and then the school nurse called. That is never a good thing. My kid threw up. Not the words I want to hear just after heating my leftovers up for lunch.

I love my child, but I hate throw up. It just isn't my thing. That's why my husband and I make a great team. I don't have issues with the rear end where he doesn't mind puke. I witnessed him catch vomit in his bare hands before in McDonald's as our kid was choking on her lunch. He then walked over to the trash receptacle and dispensed of the chunky gruel. It took everything I had to not blow chunks.

So turns out my kid never got sick again today, thank goodness. But she is barred from school as if she is a leper. The 24 hour rule is a good one, but can be extreme. The rights of a parent are lost due to so many stupid ones. You know them, their kid has a raging fever, so they dope the kid up on Tylenol and then push them out the door to the bus stop. So then the sensible parents get punished for all the retarded ones. The school nurse even sent home a note stating she was not to return to school for 24 hours with a sad face. Really? This coming from a middle school nurse? Felt somewhat juvenile to me, but I am an old lady. And it was as if I needed an instruction booklet with my kid. Wait, what a great idea! Let me pass some out to the stupid parents. But of course they would never read it.




Just say no!

If you have children in school let me warn you now. You will be requested/required to give more than you ever thought possible. It's not enough to help with homework, feed and clothe them but you must also assist with room parties and any extra curricular activities. Hope you are willing.

I assembled 120 sandwiches for the cast of the middle school musical. My shoulders still hurt. Funny thing is that after the kids gobbled them up like a bunch of starving piranhas the drama teacher told them to that the moms....note that she said mom"s" as in plural and I was solo. UGH! Recognition is worthless if it isn't heartfelt. The fact that she didn't give me 100% of the credit hurt, because I sure wasn't standing there with a turd in my pocket and it was as if she was clueless to my solo effort. Is this how she treats her students?

The next day an email went out from this fabulous drama teacher requesting more help from the parents. Guess what? I am all tapped out and busy! Good luck with that!